*Note: I am writing this at an odd hour, and I am very tired, do not be suprised if I seriously edit this in the a.m. Also, please note the first song on my playlist, it does mean something*
Nothing is worse to me then being stuck in a circle, like a damn hamster on a wheel (and believe me the hamster in my head is going full tilt). After the last two days and yet another sleepless night, I am beginning to be more restless than this dog I am sitting. It is funny how us females love to torture ourselves with doubt, both internal and external. *Excuse my comma splices, but I am a bit of a consciences stream writer* Yes, us women love to beat ourselves up over other’s mistakes sometimes, and when it comes down to it, this useless ritual of thinking in ever widening, though great at processing a wide amount of information, is time consuming and does nothing but make us feel more and more down on who we are…
Maybe it is me, but maybe men have it right: Problem in the emotion department, run! Avoid subject at all cost! Women, why do we lock ourselves up in a dark corner of our mind until we have exhausted every last detail we have? Is it worth it? I mean let’s face it, the rare and almost mythical creature known as a “gentleman” just does not exist anymore (well, except for the men born pre 1960). They are extinct… or older than our age range.
Between so called “feminism” and our societies “norm” how could they possibly exist? “Feminist” beat them in the head whenever a male tries to be chivalrous, no matter how small the gesture. Then society butts in and tells them via movies, TV shows, music videos, women themselves, and of course porn, that to be a “man” you should not try to control yourself in any way, you are an animal after all, go get as much tail as you want. I mean on the one hand, feminist say women should not be objectified, and then turn around and say that it is ok if a woman wants to be a porn star, but not a beauty queen! I mean honestly!
Oops, I got off topic… that was not what was really bothering me, that was just the bottom of my ever widening circle going on in my head… you see men what I mean? Sometimes males are rational to a fault, so much so that you can miss the bigger picture, however, we see such a large picture that some of the minute, but important and critical, details escape us! I am a firm believer in the fact that God knew what He was doing when he created male and female… we are supposed to balance each other. Like a jigsaw, women put together the outside, and men fill in the necessary blanks in the main part…
However, off topic, again… maybe I am just that much sleep deprived. After some recon that I did yesterday, that dang hamster has been running so fast that it was all I could do this morning not to put salt in my tea, and I came dangerously close! I should never let someone do this to me! Do I disturb him because I am a night owl, and therefore don’t operate on his timeline? Are my weird and very eccentric quirks driving him to wonder how a real girl acts? Or is that the problem itself? That I am a “girl” to him? If that is the case, then why the hell is he with me? If not just a place holder while he plays the board…
I am one of those ppl, I strive to think of how this could appear if I were in the other’s shoes. I am loyal to a fault… and maybe therein lie my problems? Or am I just not a fitness freak? Or maybe I am just not skinny enough, forget being fit or not (one of the girls was not fit, but she was scrawny), or could it be my hair is not the right color, or not curly, or straight enough… I mean WHAT IS IT!?!? But then I catch myself in that vicious circle… so I stop, take a deep breathe, and start it all over again after a few seconds of almost rational thoughts! I am a walking talking contradiction. Maybe that is the problem! Strong, but needy; humble, but greedy; my style is all over, but I am still very selective; I go to the beach wearing nice clothes when I should be wearing stuff that can get sandy and salty, and it never fails to get pointed out to me.
How does a person trust someone who cannot trust you? Is not one of the most obvious signs that someone is doing something wrong? When one automatically thinks you are doing it as well? “If I am doing it, what is to stop them from doing it?” Yes I speak from experience there, thanks to a previous relationship… the one pearl of wisdom my mother pointed out to me at the time. Does not a robber fear they will be stolen from? Yes, constantly. Makes me wonder constantly now that I see it applied here. (The fact it has happened once makes me very aware it could happen again) and maybe it is me… after all it has already happened, it could very well again, only this time I fear the damage it could cause, seeing how deeply my heart seems to be set on this.
Running eight years through your mind is no easy task, and the more I do it, the more I notice little things that I had forgotten about… most of them after the two year mark… seems that is where most of this started, but the hell if I can pinpoint where, or more importantly, WHAT triggered all of it...
HOLY CRAP!!! I guess should stop now while I am ahead… and I might leave a great deal of this in my Word journal and just post a bit of this on Blogger, not that it matters, only Krystal reads this anyways! ^_^
Alright, I am gonna try sleep one more time… maybe with out being kicked….
I need a bigger bed… *walks away from computer grumbling to herself while rubbing the bruise on her back*
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